1
You are not who you were
and maybe that’s the whole point.
Motherhood
It’s not always magical:
Some days, it’s turmeric milk on the floor
and just one more bedtime story.
Rocking until your arms ache,
reheating porridge for the third time.
Forcing Calpol down into her throat.
Motherhood
It is opening the door with one hand
while holding her with the other.
It’s saying ‘gentle hands’ on repeat,
wondering whether you’re doing it right
but doing it anyway.
Motherhood
Testing every ounce of your patience.
Disorienting.
And yet,
If Shiva handed me a thousand lives and asked me to pick one,
I would always come back to this one:
Your hand in my hand,
our eyes locked,
hearts entwined.
I would still choose the monotony and magic.
Unlearning who I was
to become the person I am today.
Motherhood
A revelation,
and I thought I was the one teaching her.
Motherhood
A transformation so powerful.
This love is changing everything.
Everything.
You arrived
and everything else dimmed!
2
Coloring side by side,
she gets her own paper,
no pressure to create anything.
We just sit together with brushes and colours.
Scribbling or doodling whatever comes to mind.
I let myself exist in her world.
The profound privilege of being the steady ground she returns to.
Every time I choose to ground myself, I am quietly teaching her to do the same.
Every time I’m consumed with stress and fear, she carries it in her own body.
She takes what I give her and amplifies it into the world.
She is a strong reflection of how I am feeling.
We play peekaboo:
it is so powerful; it builds her brain.
It teacher her trust, predictability and emotional regulation.
It’s not just a game,
peekaboo is a blueprint for safety and security.
Each time my face reappears, it lights her up,
fires up her neural circuits.
Peekaboo,
it is wiring her brain.
I buy a fancy puzzle, a pom-pom shooter game and more toys online.
“Fewer toys, please.
Less toys equals more imagination, more patience, more creativity, more focus.”
My mother reminds me every single day.
At 41, I still need my mother to navigate the uncharted territories of parenting.
“Time in nature, sand, water, sun. And the magic of your presence,” she reiterates, affectionately.
Because the moment a child realizes the world is better with them in it,
the world itself beings to change.
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About the Author
Swati Moheet Agrawal is a mother who loves giving depth to the banal, and writing makes her world more navigable. Her work has appeared in The Alipore Post, Sledgehammer Lit, Mad Swirl, The Dribble Drabble Review, Potato Soup Journal, Muse India, Active Muse, Setu, and The Criterion among other literary magazines and journals.
