It was five in the morning and Anna lay awake on her bed staring at the white ceiling. She had been sleepless most of the previous night and her eyes were burning and begging her to give them some rest. The raindrops started falling rhythmically on the stone roof of her rented apartment. The open window in her room invited the rain to sprinkle on the wooden floor with the intensity of the wind speed. She got up hurriedly to close the glass panes and watched the rains bringing energy into the static landscape. Anna returned to bed and surrendered herself to the demands from her brain to fall asleep. She closed her eyes, but her mind returned to the thoughts of Matthew who had rejected her proposal about two months ago.
She recalled the summer afternoon with Matthew at his farm on the outskirts of Nasik. While Matthew had been engrossed in showing her the grape and lychee cultivations, Anna’s palms had been sweating with nervousness. It was only after they had settled under the shade of a lychee tree, that Anna had gathered the courage to confess her love for him. It was after a moment of silence that Matthew’s uneasiness had surfaced while saying “I have a different set of priorities.” Anna had gone dumbfounded as she had not expected such a response. “Does this mean he does not love me? Why is he looking so disappointed? Is he not happy to know how much I love him? These questions had been revolving inside her head. She was inquisitive to know more about his feelings before she could put an end to all her hopes.
Matthew and Anna were living on different continents. She was working in Warsaw in Poland after securing her Economics degree from the University of Warsaw. Matthew was living in Nasik and had been independently managing his ancestral farm after his father’s demise about two years ago. They were childhood friends. Anna’s family shifted to Chhattisgarh after her father got a work transfer fifteen years ago. They met on very few occasions in the last fifteen years. For the last two years, they had been in regular contact through phone messages.
The evening sun was gradually setting and when they were heading back, Anna had finally spoken, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes”
They had stopped under a mango tree.
“All those messages that you wrote to me…were they all written considering me ‘just’ as a friend? nothing more?”
“Yes…I mean, we were practically wishing each other good morning and good night. What else?”
“Oh, really? We conversed much more than that unlike the way one would talk to friends. Don’t you think so?”
“Did I ever address you as ‘babe’ or ‘sweetheart’?
Anna’s eyes had started to blur with tears collecting around them. She was finding it extremely hard to believe that she had misinterpreted his messages all this while.
She had already started to fight with her emotions silently and decided to face the unfortunate truth from Matthew.
“So, you never had any feelings for me?”
Matthew had taken a heavy sigh before saying, “I had a crush on you during school days. Nothing more.” After pausing for a while, he had turned towards Anna and had explained, “Look Anna, you are a nice girl, but I always knew that you had a distinct set of ambitions for yourself. You are well settled in a different country! You need to understand this.”
“What if I was staying in India?”
“Ah! I don’t know, I wish the answer were a simple one. You know, such things happen. We sometimes think that the other person also feels the same but sadly that’s not the case. Just think about it… is it possible to develop feelings for someone just by communicating through messages? Maybe, you are getting it all wrong!”
Anna recalled how she could not gather herself from the despair that had descended on her suddenly. At that poignant moment, she had not been in the right frame of mind to convince Matthew that it was indeed love and the fondness for him had been growing exponentially over time.
Before her return flight the next morning, she had been in a miserable condition.
It had struck her that it was her last meeting with Matthew. She had not imagined that Matthew would decline her proposal. Her heart had been broken into a million pieces.
“Try to devote some time at the church, it would bring a lot of positive energy and peaceful thoughts” had been Matthew’s advice to Anna.
Her mind could not change its course in a jiffy. She had been unable to grasp the reality and had written to Matthew before boarding her flight the next morning “I was under the illusion that it was mutual between us. It’s killing me to think why I am not good enough for you.”
Matthew had replied “Anna, these conversations are making me extremely uncomfortable. I am sorry that you felt that way. I think of you as a good friend and that is all. I hope you will respect the boundaries. I ask that you please never discuss this again!”
After reading this, Anna had felt abandoned and deserted. She had experienced self-disgust while the trauma pierced through her heart. Her world had just ended. She had realised that she imposed her emotions on Matthew and practically pushed him to the wall. Anna loved him dearly and could never think of making him uncomfortable. She had apologised and promised to Matthew that she would never discuss this again although she had been completely shattered inside.
There was no communication between them for the last two months now. Anna had so much to narrate to Matthew who chose to abstain her presence from his life. She kept recapping those conversations at the farm with Matthew and what she could have said differently. She should have been more assertive and expressive about her love for him. She should have suggested that they spend some quality time together so that he could know her better and give a serious thought to it. She could do nothing about it anymore. She had one excellent opportunity, and she failed miserably. She felt suffocated for being excluded from Matthew’s life. Now, there were only the memories to cherish, nothing else.
She was still trying to settle and catch some sleep, but she was unsuccessful. The rains had stopped by now and it was sunny outside. She closed her eyes once again and her thoughts ran to her childhood days. “What a wonderful time that was!” she thought. She recalled how Matthew would avoid eye contact while talking to her and agree to everything she would tell him. She knew he was very shy around her and was almost sure that he had feelings for her then but heard about it from the horse’s mouth only two months ago. In that moment, she realised how strikingly different human beings they both are. Anna had been someone who always lived in the past. It did not occur to her that Matthew’s preferences, likings, priorities, aspirations, desires would evolve over time. “He is a different Matthew now, why didn’t you get that? You had been the biggest fool on earth to think that he would always consider you and only you his princess from his dreams and wait for you until eternity. How idiot can someone be?” she thought.
Several weeks passed and she kept waiting for his message. Just a “Hi” from Matthew would have made her day but nothing came. She wanted to refrain herself from his thoughts, but she could not help herself when she was alone in her apartment. She lost interest in everything. It was heartbreaking to listen to her favourite songs as those would amplify the beautiful memories she held of Matthew.
Anna lost her resilience to fight this agony silently. She dialled one of her close friends, Suman in India and told her what had happened.
“Anna, you need to consider this chapter to be over now. You need to understand this very clearly.”
“I just can’t accept what has happened. I can’t shut it out just yet. To be honest, I still can’t believe that he said no.”
“You need to accept what has happened. You must stop living in denial. You need to move on, Anna.”
“I can’t Suman. I can’t erase all those memories from my mind just like that. They are incredibly special to me.”
“Anna, until you don’t erase that memory completely, it will keep hurting you every time you think about it. You must remove all his messages.”
“No, I can’t do that. I miss him so much. Those are the only things I have of him. He’s not even talking to me.”
“Matthew is right in doing that because he doesn’t want to complicate things even further. You shouldn’t try to communicate with him. I know it’s not going to be easy, but you need to accept the reality, Anna. I know it’s extremely tough but try to gradually move out of this thinking circle. It will take time, I know that.”
“I can’t sleep at night. I feel suffocated and breathless. I feel helpless that I can’t talk to him anymore. I can’t stop myself from crying every day. I would never want to shut him out of my life.”
“I can only tell you things for your own good but if you don’t want to listen then what can I do? You should see a therapist. It will be better for you. It’s important that you do not play with your career because of this.”
“I don’t want to go to a therapist. I can’t just open up to a stranger.”
“Try meditating and concentrate on your work. Keep yourself active and engage in some new activities.”
“I will try to.”
“Ok, I need to go. You take care of yourself, please. Promise me. I am worried about you.”
“I will do that and call you again tomorrow.”
“Call me whenever you want to.”
Anna felt good after talking to Suman. She could finally vent out her misery to someone.
The irony was that the actual healing had to come from within. She was all alone in that department and had to appease her heart to accept the harsh reality. Empathy from Suman was not enough for this feeling to subside.
She would visit the church to engage in prayers and listen to the sermons at least twice or thrice in a week just as Matthew had suggested.
One evening while driving back home, she tried to make peace with her situation and realised that it is not in her control to influence Matthew ’s feelings towards her. She thought to herself, “what could Matthew do if he does not love me? It was me who resulted in this situation, otherwise we would have been friends today. Matthew might have taken the right decision of detaching me from his life. It may be right, but it is cruel…. How could he quickly disconnect and forget me so easily?” She started weeping again. The vision ahead became completely blurred and she could only see the elongated vehicle lights in red and orange shades. She quickly wiped her tears, increased the volume of the song playing on the car stereo, and concentrated back on the road.
She had lost all hopes of hearing from Matthew now. All she could do now is to keep her mind diverted each second, she could, but the fact was that the more she tried, the more she struggled, Matthew was on her mind every second no matter what she was doing.
Matthew had given her a friendly hug when they parted that afternoon and she knew that although Matthew is not around, he would still care about her and always wish her well.
She thought, “Matthew is not an evil person, he is a kind-hearted person. He has his own set of problems, and he must be going through life struggles too. I need to accept the brutal truth that Matthew shall never develop feelings for me, and I should stop having hopes that the situation would change someday. Anna, look ahead. Do something with your life. Do not look back. Just forgive and forget…. Damn it! Sorry, I can’t…no… no way…just not yet…I want Matthew please!”
That night, she was tossing on her bed. She wondered why Matthew did not love her. He had once told her that he is attracted to girls from the Northeast. Anna was wavy haired with a dusky complexion unlike the girls from the Northeast having silky hair and fair complexion. That could have been one of the reasons for the refusal, she concluded. She rose from her bed and stood in front of a full-length mirror. She looked at herself carefully from head to toe and wondered whether she lacked the physical appeal Matthew was looking for in a girl. If she had a beautiful complexion and an hourglass body, the outcome may have been different.
Anna went back to bed and closed her eyes. She imagined Matthew accepting her proposal and walking closer to her. She fantasised Matthew placing his palms on her face and kissing her forehead, then advancing to her cheeks and then moving towards her lips and kissing her passionately. The thought just set her free from her ongoing misery and when she opened her eyes, it was five thirty in the morning.
Eight months passed and it was the onset of the autumn season in Warsaw.
Anna was sitting on a bench in a nearby park, when she got a call from her mother.
“Hello Ma. How are you?”
“I am fine beta. Krisha’s marriage is fixed for the fifth of December. Can you come? Everyone will be incredibly happy to see you.”
Krisha was Anna’s first cousin.
“Yes, I will come Ma. I will plan my trip soon. Krisha had called yesterday too.”
Anna had still not been able to wash Matthew’s thoughts out of her brain. She had butterflies running inside her stomach with the possibility of seeing Matthew.
She had not heard a word from him since. “Would it be fair to meet Matthew after all these months? Probably, yes. Probably, he has developed feelings for me already. Probably, he misses my presence in his life. Probably, he is repenting his actions and now feeling awkward to tell me that it was really all mutual between us!” she thought.
She wanted to find the truth behind his silence. She wished to get her happiness back. She wished for a brighter tomorrow.
Anna dialled Suman once she reached India.
“Suman! I reached Raipur today.”
“Fantastic! When is your flight for Nasik?”
“Thursday next week”
“Amazing! I am so excited. You are staying with me, ok?”
“Absolutely…listen, I am thinking of meeting Matthew …it’s been so long!”
“Don’t you even think of that. Are you crazy?”
“I just want to see how he’s doing. Please Suman!”
“No Anna. No. Have a little self-respect! This is wrong. Completely wrong!”
Anna paid no heed to Suman’s requests and decided to head to Matthew ’s farm straight from the airport. It was two thirty when she boarded a taxi from the airport for an hour drive to Matthew’s farm. Anna was wearing her favourite black dress with her hair tied in a bun.
Her heart was beating faster than before. She did not know what she would say when she would see him face to face. Should she just ask about his well-being or check whether he missed her too? She had promised him that they would not have any conversation related to her feelings, so she hoped that Matthew would start the conversation on this topic himself.
The taxi stopped at its destination and Anna was shivering with nervousness. She stepped out and asked the security at the gate to let her in to see Matthew.
“Matthew Sahib is at the lychee farm. I will take you there,” said one of the security guards. She was wearing heels and had difficulty walking fast.
After entering the lychee farm, Anna could spot Matthew talking to a girl under a shade of one of the trees.
Matthew was looking incredibly happy in her company and only noticed Anna when she was about ten meters away. Matthew ’s face turned grim, and he paced towards her.
“Hey Anna. You, here?”
“Hi! I had come down for a wedding at Raipur so thought of coming to Nasik.”
“Oh. Nice. So, how have you been?”
This was something Anna was waiting to tell him for the last ten months, but she thought of keeping her ordeal to herself. “I am doing good. Busy with work”
“That is incredibly good. Come I will introduce her to you.”
When they came near the girl, she got up from a wooden chair to greet Anna.
“Anna, she’s Esther, my fiancée.”
Anna was aghast and her face started feeling warm after listening to the horrific words.
“Hi Esther! So, happy to meet you!”
She pretended to appear normal.
“Hi Anna! Nice to meet you too. Are you, his friend? Sorry he hasn’t told me about you.”
Anna felt how diametrically opposite they both were. While he was on her mind every passing minute, she held no relevance in his life.
She justified to Esther by saying “we are childhood friends but have been out of touch lately.”
“Yes, I missed telling her about you. Sorry!’ added Matthew.
“It’s completely fine!” said Anna.
Esther and Matthew’s eyes met, and they smiled at each other.
Anna could feel that they wanted to be alone.
“I will take your leave now. I had just come to say hi,” said Anna.
“If I had known about your program earlier then I could have planned something for the day,” said Matthew.
“That’s nice of you but don’t bother, I have some plans for the evening already. I just wanted to see you.” said Anna.
Matthew walked with Anna towards the farm entrance gate.
“Have you made any stay arrangements?” said Matthew.
“I will be staying at Suman’s place,” said Anna.
“Ok, just call me if you need anything,” said Matthew.
Anna nodded.
She looked at Matthew and signalled him to stop for a few minutes. She held his hands and said, “You are a wonderful human being, Matthew. Esther is extremely lucky to have you. I am thankful to God that I have known you in my life and I will always cherish the good times we had together.”
“Me too, Anna and I wish you a lot of happiness,” said Matthew.
Matthew hugged Anna and she could not control her tears any longer, but she had to appear restrained before him.
Matthew instructed the guard at the entrance gate to escort Anna to the exit gate.
She turned behind to have one last look at Matthew, but he had already turned his back on her and was walking steadily towards Esther. She wanted to run towards him and pull him back and ask him to marry her instead, but she hesitated. She could not dare to snatch away his happiness.
On her way back, the guard exclaimed, “I am incredibly happy for Matthew Sahib. Esther madam is indeed a beauty, right no, madam?
“Yes, she is.”
“She is from Arunachal, madam.”
Anna’s heart felt desolated and disregarded while her mind contemplated that Matthew’s attraction towards Esther was meant to be. After ten months, Matthew ’s life had progressed naturally while hers was at a standstill under the wild storm of depression.
She still loved Matthew unconditionally, but her love did not have any place in Matthew’s heart. It had been a lost battle from the beginning and yet she had been fighting untiringly with a hope for a better tomorrow where her dreams would be fulfilled.
That day, Anna surrendered to the tragic reality and her dreams faded into oblivion.
She smiled at the guard and said, “That’s wonderful…. Your sahib deserves the best!”
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